"Roberto!"
Do you feel like taking on the government?
I've got nothing better to do this week.
-- Janey and Sam, "Roberto!"

Why do I suddenly feel like I'm a step behind you?  I never used to feel that way.
Well, I don't know, I ...
It's annoying, isn't it. That's what you get working with a genius.
-- Janey, Sam, and Al, "Roberto!"

Just read my lips, you'll be fine.
-- Al to Sam, on being obnoxious, "Roberto!"

... Women who claim to have slept with Elvis' ghost.
Love it, save it for sweeps.
-- Sam and Earl the station manager, "Roberto!"

I didn't stick around long enough to find out.  I wanna keep my organs!
-- Red Norton, on seeing "spacemen", "Roberto!"

What should I buy with $100?  Shoes?  No, something more personal.
How about lingerie?  I'll help.
-- Janie and Al, "Roberto!"

I guess I kindof see myself as champion of underdogs everywhere.
-- Sam, "Roberto!"

Uh oh.
"Uh oh?"  Is this your "uh oh" things are getting worse or is this your "uh oh" that I've now changed history and things are really gonna get horrible?
-- Al and Sam, "Roberto!"

Tomorrow on Roberto! ...
And finally, a personal story about the time I was kidnapped by aliens and held in an all white room.
-- Sam, reading the cue cards, "Roberto!"

I'll tell you what. Why don't you lie down in the parking lot and I'll accidentally back over you with my car. Probably we can get a whole week out of that.
--Jannie Eisenberg, "Roberto!"