Date: Wed, 16 Mar 1994 17:50:33 +22305714 (HST) From: Mindy Young Subject: Parzival's Return, part 4 of 4 Message-Id: Parzival's Return, Part 4 When Sam didn't show up for breakfast at his usual early hour, Donna went to his room. When she saw the bed had not been slept in, she pushed aside her panic and called Al. Al and Beth joined her in a search of the complex, but when the found no sign of him, they called Verbeena. The psychologist led the group to the solarium, which was empty in the bright morning light. The guards were alerted and the staff began an all-out effort. The Marines began to sweep the chaparral surrounding the buildings, and the staff conducted a systematic, room-by-room search of the facility. He wasn't in the residential wing, he wasn't in the lab, he wasn't in the office wing, he wasn't in the recreational building. Donna was beginning to panic, so Al and Beth took her aside and sat her down for some coffee in the lounge. "Do you think we hit him with too much?" she fretted as she looked at her coffee. "God, I shouldn't have brought John. It was too much. I should have listened to Verbeena." Al patted her hand. "Nah, he's a tough guy. He did fine." "Then where is he?" "He's just off by himself somewhere," Al said with a vague gesture, "thinking." Beth interjected softly, "Where was his favorite place to go and think?" Donna thought for a moment. "The library." "He could be back in the stacks somewhere. I'll go tell them to be extra thorough there." With an encouraging smile, Beth left. Donna sighed. "I should have stayed with him when he made the recordings." "Now you know he didn't want you around for that. You can't beat yourself up like this. You deserve better than that." She closed her eyes. "I have a terrible fear it was too much. It was too alien, too different. ...I just have this terrible fear he went back into the Accelerator." Al couldn't hide his astonishment. He had been afraid of that himself. "He wouldn't do that." "He did it before. And with the new time delay in the controls, he could have activated it himself." Al reached for his wrist link. "Ziggy." "Yes, Admiral?" the computer's silky voice purred. "Has Dr. Beckett been in the Accelerator in the last 24 hours?" The catty voice curled around the words: "'I'm sorry, I'm not programmed to respond in that area.'" Al thumped the wrist link. "Ziggy! Give me a straight answer or I'll pull your plug!" "You don't know how to take a joke, Admiral. He hasn't been in the Accelerator in the last 24 hours." "Do you know where he is?" "What's it worth to you?" Al flashed a determined frown at Donna. "Ziggy, how would you like me to rearrange a few of your circuit boards and turn you into the world's most expensive toaster?" "Only if you promise to be my first piece of toast." "Ziggy, damn it! Where is he?" "Not that I think you deserve an answer, but he's in the Imaging Chamber." Donna and Al flew out of the lounge. Al picked up a handlink as they dashed through the control room, but as they approached the Imaging Chamber door, the two hesitated. They could tell the chamber was activated, but they had no way of knowing what was going on inside. He looked at her. "Maybe I should go in by myself." "No. I'm going in with you." "But you won't be able to see what's going on. It'll look really strange." In fact, Al was afraid of what might be happening inside, and he didn't want to convey his alarm to Donna. "I'll be able to see. I just won't be able to hear. I'm going in with you." He nodded and pushed several buttons on his handlink. The door to the Imaging Chamber opened with its usual surge of power, and Al took Donna's hand and led her in. Al stood with amazement in the middle of a corn field. "My God." Donna looked around at the familiar landscape. "It's the farm." "What farm?" "The farm. The Beckett farm. But it looks different." He shouted, "Gooshie, center me on Sam." There was no answer, and he shook his head. "God, after all these years, I forgot. Ziggy, do you know where Sam is?" The computer's voice whispered through the wrist link, "Lost in his dreams." "Could you be a bit more specific, please?" "No. I don't run his life anymore. He's in the chamber, but you'll have to find him." Al grumbled, "Never mind." They looked around at the towering rows of dried corn stalks. He shrugged. "I guess we just start walking." Donna shook her head. "No, I can find him." She released Al's hand, and the farm vanished into a blue void. "There! Over there." She moved towards the distant figure as Al walked with her, moving through a tractor and the corner of a barn to where he could see Sam. He was sitting cross-legged on the ground, facing away from them as he watched some sort of discussion in the farm yard. Before they reached him, however, the surroundings jumped and changed before Al's eyes into a murderous barrage of mortar fire. Al instinctively ducked as the smoke and thunderous roar shattered the air around him, but Donna only watched in puzzled silence. Al came to himself and straightened up as he tried to salvage some dignity. "Sorry." Donna took his hand and took in a sharp breath of surprise at the surroundings. She dropped his hand, more comfortable in the blue nothingness. He looked around, but his vision was obscured by the Vietnam jungle around him. "Where is he?" Donna indicated gently, "Straight ahead." They were nearly to him when the scene changed again, this time to a college classroom. Al could see Sam stand up, but he could also see blowzy and burned out English professor Dr. Gerald Bryant writing on a blackboard filled with equations and figures. Watching askance as the professor wrote was a very young and edgy Donna. Sam was watching them intently, and Al could hear the two holograms discussing physics. Donna saw Sam's intensity and took Al's hand. At first she marveled at seeing herself back at college. What a remarkable and unexpected sight! How could she have not known about this leap? Her delight faded, however, as the recognition slowly seeped in that the sleezy Dr. Bryant with a mysterious penchant for physics wasn't who she remembered. Her lips parted with amazement as she realized that nearly thirty years ago she had been part of this experiment, and that Dr. Bryant's strange, altruistic efforts to reunite her with her father weren't so selfless... Al watched her cautiously. For all these years he had been able to keep the details of this leap from her, and this was exactly not how he had wanted her to find out about it. But it was too late now. He could see on her face that she was reacting just as he had always feared she would. She watched the silent conversation, not remembering the words but remembering vividly the professor's unconcealed attraction to her. This was too strange. Her face shrank into a distraught frown as part of her withdrew inside herself. "My God." Sam heard her and turned. "Hi." His voice was still raspy from the day before and Al couldn't hear him over the projected discussion. With a last glance at the hologram conversation behind him, Sam said, "Ziggy, stop." The images faded around them, and the room emptied to a steady blue. "Could you see that?" Sam asked Al. He nodded. "What were you doing?" He smiled distantly. "Going through the postcards from my trip. I never realized how vivid this would be. It's incredible the clarity Ziggy managed translating all the raw data together with our individual brain waves and putting them into a viewable composite like that. I hoped for something like that when I wrote the program, but I had no idea." He smiled at Donna. "Unbelievable." Donna was still wrestling with what she had seen, and Sam put his arm around her. She didn't respond to his kiss on the cheek. He regarded her with mild concern over her thoughtful expression. "What's the matter?" She looked at Al, then Sam. She examined her husband's face, seeing him as a stranger she had never known before. "I need to think about this." She turned slowly and left, Sam watching her go with a frown. He looked at Al. "What's the matter?" Al watched her exit the chamber. "She saw." "Saw what?" "You as Bryant." "So?" Al shook his head. "Well, how would you like it if you discovered someone from your future had gone into your past and manipulated your life so she got what she wanted?" Sam understood and frowned. "Oh." "Yeah. Oh. I think you better start working on your apology." Sam nodded. "I think she'll understand. I'll tell her about the other wedding that didn't happen." Al nodded. "Great. Now you're going for guilt. Women love that." Sam frowned. "Ah, ...well?" This would take some thinking. He looked where Donna had left. "I better wait until I figure something out." Al shrugged. "Don't rush, but don't wait too long." Sam nodded. He looked back where the holographic conversation had been moments earlier. "Just a second. I need you to explain something to me. Ziggy, run the first leap again, at the point where I left off." Suddenly Sam and Al were next to the cockpit of the X-2, watching themselves as the imaged Al showed the imaged Sam, in the form of Captain Tom Stratton, how to move the control stick to keep the plane level. "Look at me, I'm flying an airplane. Ziggy, go to Number 29, at the point of leaping in." Al had to fight to keep his balance as they were instantaneously transported to 25 feet above the floor of a circus ring as the imaged Sam hung upside down on a trapeze. "Look at that. I'd never do that. How did I do that?" Sam gazed with amazement at the sight. Al looked at him. "You don't remember this, do you?" Sam looked back at him, his eyes large with confusion. "No." He looked back at the man on the flying trapeze. Al smiled. "Welcome back." Al patted him on the shoulder. Sam accepted the gesture but continued to gaze at the hologram, transfixed by the image he couldn't understand. Back in the lounge, after the search had been called off, and after Sam had come up with an acceptable apology to his wife, he explained his dilemma to Donna, Al and Beth. "I know I used to know something, but I don't remember what it is I used to know. I can't remember any of my leaps, but I know that during my leaps I couldn't remember most of my life here." He looked at Al significantly. "Like that photo on the dresser. I know that two days ago I had no memory that it was from Kim's graduation. But I don't know why I didn't remember it." Donna took his hand. "I don't know why I didn't think it was there before." Al smiled knowingly. "Someday, after you've rested up, we'll let you play back the CDs." As he looked at his friends, Sam wondered if he would ever be that well rested. The next month unfolded at a relaxed pace. Most of the Project Quantum Leap staff went on vacation for the rest of June, including Al and Beth -- it was Al's first day off in six years. Sam and Donna celebrated a belated wedding anniversary and marked John's first birthday on June 15, and then when Verbeena pronounced Sam strong enough to travel they headed for Indiana. The farm was the tonic Sam needed most, and when he wasn't sitting with his feet up on the porch drinking lemonade he was helping his mom in the kitchen or discussing the Holsteins and Guernseys with Tom out in the field. After dinner one night he sat in the twilight at the picnic table under the oak tree in back. He sat alone with the crickets and fireflies, except for Skipper, the family's black dog with a wagging bushy tail, curled up by his feet. He gazed at the house that would always be home. The warm glow of the lights against the cool blue of the sky made him smile with a feeling of peace. Katie and Jim's house on the other side of the driveway was dark as the entire clan was in the main house watching a baseball game on TV. All the house's windows were open, and he could hear the kids shouting in response to a play and the roar of the crowd at the game. Sam couldn't imagine how he could have forgotten that Tom had come back to run the farm with Cindy after he left the Navy in 1979, and that Katie and Jim had joined them a couple years ago after Jim reached 20 years with the service. It was incomprehensible. But Sam knew if he could forget Donna, he could forget anything. From his replay session in the Imaging Chamber, Sam knew what had happened on the other timeline, when Tom had died in Vietnam, and all the resulting family disintegration. He smiled as he watched the house bustle with seventh inning stretch activity as the kids hit the kitchen and the grownups hit the bathroom. He was glad he couldn't remember what it felt like when Tom was dead. Some things were better left behind. The front door opened, and a figure came towards Sam. Even in the fading light, that lean, strapping figure was unmistakable. "Taking a break?" Sam asked as Tom joined him under the tree. "Yeah. How you doing out here?" "Fine. It's a beautiful night." Tom looked around. "You're welcome to stay with us as long as you want." "Thanks. We'll go back after the 4th. We have a lot of work to do. We still don't know how I went anywhere or how I came back. I've got a theory I need to test out. I think the problem's because the string theory has one set of rules and parallel dimensions has a completely different one. They each work, but they don't apply to each other -- it's like using a sewing machine to swim the English Channel. They just don't fit. I think that gap between them is where I got lost. I need to find a bridge." Tom nodded, then smiled. "If anyone can do it, you can." Sam smiled. "Oh, by the way, Bob Hawkins called. He wants you and Donna to be the grand marshals of the 4th of July parade." Sam smiled and shook his head. "I don't think so. I remember riding in the parade the year we won the state championship, and it was pretty grueling. Thanks anyway." Tom nodded. "He said if you didn't want that he'd save you a place on the reviewing stand. That's not so bad. They've covered it, so it's not out in the sun anymore." He began to chuckle. "Remember when Miss O'Reilly passed out that year..." The brothers laughed with the shared memory from many years ago of seeing the high school principal do a swooning swan dive off the reviewing stand into the passing band. Sam could barely talk through his laughter: "It's a good thing she landed on the drummers -- she would have crushed the wind section --" "-- I don't think Dewey ever recovered from seeing her drop in his lap!" "Hoo-yah!" They laughed again, and when Sam wiped away a tear of mirth they broke up again. They finally laughed themselves out, and Tom sighed. "I missed you. But I guess we can't expect you to come back to the farm." "Are you sorry you did?" "No. It's been tough sometimes, but I'm glad Cindy and I did it. Raising the kids here was the right thing to do. Are you going to stay out wherever it is you're living?" In the glow from the house Sam could see Tom's wink. He smiled. "Yeah. It'll be a while, but we might come back." Tom looked up at the stars. "My kid brother, traveling through time." He looked at Sam. "Why did you do it? Why did you build a time machine?" Sam looked at the bright house. It seemed all right to tell him. "Time always fascinated me, for as long as I can remember. But I think the reason I built it was you." Tom reacted with surprise, then laughed. Sam proceeded slowly. "I can't be certain, because I don't really remember how things were before I leaped the first time. But I do know some things from the data gathered on what I did, and...you originally didn't come back from Vietnam." Tom leaned forward attentively. "You were killed on April 8, 1970." Tom said pensively, "Yeah, I remember, that day you wanted me to crawl into the deepest bunker." "Yeah, and you didn't, either." Tom's eyes glittered in the darkness. "So you built a time machine so you could go back and save me." "Well, I guess. I don't think you were mentioned in the project proposal..." Tom chuckled. "But losing you changed everything, for me, for the family. In the timeline when you died in Vietnam, Dad died in '72 instead of '78. Mom and Dad lost the farm. Katie took up with a loser to fill the void. ...I forgot how to have fun and live a real life. I guess I probably just wished there was something I could do." Tom smiled as he looked up at the night. "So I'm the star of the family, not you." Sam smiled, then chuckled. Tom patted his lean stomach with satisfaction. "I better ask for a raise." Sam laughed. Tom crossed his arms and looked at his younger brother. "I think I know how you did it. That was you, wasn't it?" Sam didn't understand. "Magic." Sam did a double take. "How'd you know?" Tom smiled. "He always had a real strong sixth sense, and after Operation Lazarus he swore up and down he hadn't gone on the mission. He didn't know why, but he knew he hadn't been there. I just thought it was his way of dealing with Maggie's death. But during that whole time he said he wasn't there, he sure acted funny. That was you." Sam smiled sheepishly, then nodded. "Yeah." "Thanks. Too bad they couldn't give you a medal." "That's all right. I got you." They smiled at each other. Tom said quietly, "Too bad about the prisoners, though." Sam fought with his regret. "They made it back." They sat in silent thought, each in his own way trying to understand what had happened. The symphony of crickets filled the void of sound as the brothers looked at the night. The house door opened again, and a silhouetted woman carrying something came towards them. "Dad?" Tom turned towards the figure. "Yeah." The young woman stopped by the table next to Sam. In her arms was the bright-eyed John, who squirmed to get to Sam when he saw him. "Aunt Donna said he's not sleepy so you should take him." He happily took his son as Kim turned to Tom. "The boys want to know about fishing tomorrow." Tom patted his stomach as he looked at his brother. "I think it can be worked in. Whaddya say?" "Wouldn't miss it." Sam stood up and put an arm around his niece. "How's the game going?" "The Cubs are winning, of course!" They laughed and went back into the house. A party filled the Beckett homestead the night before Sam, Donna and John returned to New Mexico. The stereo was running all evening as Thelma taught the youngsters about the jitterbug and they showed Grandma a thing or two about the latest dance steps. To bring the departed family members nearer, Thelma even broke out her husband's old 78s and amazed the kids with the primitive technology of her youth. She grew wistful as Cindy started up "At Last," and Tom smiled with recognition at his parents' "song." He stood up courteously before his mother. "May I have this dance?" Her girlish smile belied her years. "Why, yes." They began to dance in the center of the room, and the children and grandchildren watched with admiration. Sam smiled at the sight, filled with renewed love for his wonderful family. The smile faded, however, as a queer uneasiness welled in his stomach. He had seen this before, hadn't he? Only...it was his father -- dancing with his mother -- but Tom and Cindy were there, and their children, too -- how could that be? But it had been another way as well -- Tom and his mother dancing, but no Cindy and Donna and kids. And another way -- his parents dancing but no Tom and his family... The variations swirled in Sam's head as he closed his eyes and tried to regain his mental equilibrium. Donna touched his arm gently. "A little delayed magnaflux?" Her voice was even, but concern glowed in her eyes. He shook his head slightly. "I'm all right. ...Just remembering something." He patted her hand reassuringly and gave her a smile. He looked at the dancers. Yes, now he could see it, see it clearly for the first time. He had passed through so many parallel dimensions, they were now passing through him. This party had taken place many times over -- perhaps the many versions of it were happening even now -- with all the different scenarios in place: a time when he had kept his father from his heart attack, a time when he had saved his father but not Tom, a time when he hadn't found Donna again. He scanned the flickering scenes with his mind, and there, in the corner, was Sammy Jo...watching the dancers, smiling at her grandmother, looking so much like Katie Sam couldn't believe it. He blinked away welling tears. She was all right, wherever she was. And she was, in her own place, enjoying this party as much as the others. She wasn't lost. She was where she belonged. And, for the first time, Sam realized he was where he belonged, too. He had passed through many portals, many realities, but they were all true and they were all as they should be. In none of the images passing through Sam's mind was everyone present. There seemed to be a give-and-take at work, a balance of loved ones present and loved ones gone. The strangest vision of all was the most fleeting: a party where everyone was there...except him. Sam could see now that he truly had been led down that mysterious, convoluted path to this moment, and for the first time in his life he felt the presence of God, a personal God, not a vast impersonal force but Someone Who had watched over him and cared what had happened to him at every moment. It was overwhelming and peaceful at the same time. He sighed with the epiphany, but he didn't realize how loud his reaction was until all the others looked at him. "You okay?" Katie asked. Sam couldn't hold his smile in check. "I'm wonderful." Katie shook her head. "My modest brother." Sam held out his hand to his wife. "Wanna dance?" She took his hand with a smile, and soon they too were out on the dance floor swaying with the music. He held her to him and kissed her forehead. "I love you," he whispered. He wrapped his arms around her. It felt so right. Yes, she belonged here, and so did he. "Thank You, God." After savoring a spectacular New Mexico sunset together, Sam and Donna walked arm-in-arm through the quiet Quantum Leap facility. They found themselves in the control room, perhaps not by accident. The quiet pulsing of the equipment on idle filled the room with a sea of sound. With his arm around her, he looked at the panel and sighed. He looked at the ramp up to the Accelerator for a long time before he said, "I know you understand what I'm saying, I'm thrilled to be back," he gave her a squeeze, "...but I miss it. The whole time I was out there I wanted to get back, and now I'm back and..." She put her head on his shoulder. "I understand. It was exciting." "It was intoxicating. It was confusing, and dangerous, ...but there's nothing like it. It was...it was..." He sighed again. "There're other worlds out there. We've just barely scratched the surface. I'm afraid to say I want to go back," Donna looked down and he regretted his words, "but part of me really misses it." Ziggy's voice purred on. "I miss you, too, Dr. Beckett. I miss having you inside me. Leave your wife and come back to me. I'm the one you really love." Sam and Donna exchanged embarrassed smiles. Sam looked up at the machine. "Ziggy?" "Yes, Doctor?" "We start work on your replacement in the morning." "I've seen the new budget figures. You don't have that kind of money. You can't replace me for less than twice what I cost. No, I'm staying. You need me, Doctor. We have many worlds to explore together. Ohh, it will be so wonderful." The computer punctuated the statement with a sigh. Sam and Donna turned around. He said pointedly, "Goodbye, Ziggy." As they began to walk away, the computer said after them, "See you later." Hand-in-hand they walked slowly to the door. Before they were through the portal, however, Sam hesitated. He looked back at the room, his ears filled with the whirring equipment's siren's song, luring his thoughts back. Donna tugged gently on his hand and led him away. ***