"How the Tess Was Won"

Bonanza was never like this...
-- Sam, "How the Tess was Won"

Piggy ....   Piggy .... here Piggy
-- Sam, "How The Tess Was Won"

Piggy Suey, Piggy Suey ...
-- Buddy, "How the Tess was Won"

Buddy, why don't you try Peggy Sue?  It'll sound better.
-- Sam, "How the Tess Was Won"

Couldn't you give them name tags?
-- Sam (glancing heavenward), "How the Tess was Won"

That's a cross we all have to bear, performance under pressure.
-- Al, "How the Tess was Won"

She took my second favorite organ and stomped it to death with her 4 inch spiked heels.
-- Al (about Tina), "How the Tess was Won"

~Al: Oh, well, almost all animals can see me. But you know, there must be something weird lookin' about me, because I seem to intimidate them.
Sam: Maybe it's your clothes.